KATRINA AND THE WAVES THE STORM THAT NEVER ENDED Yer old pal Jerky's been following up on some of the high weirdness surrounding Hurricane Katrina (and Rita, and Alpha, and Beta, and Zappa, etc), and I'll be damned if I can figure out what the hell is going on. Some of you may remember that, back in mid-September, we ran a list of the Top 13 Most Shameful Stories to Emerge from the Katrina Disaster. It covered everything from the federal government's apparently willful neglect of the levee system, to the inexplicably fascist tactics of law enforcement at every level, to reports of FEMA sabotaging relief efforts, to the sub-contracted corpse recovery operation that wasn't, to the spread of bullshit disinformation about negro cannibals who started ripping little white girls to pieces the minute their socks got moist. Just to be clear, I'm not referring to half-hysterical conspiracy theories about saboteurs being gunned down in mid-sabotage, or the levees being intentionally destroyed… even though it wouldn't surprise me if those stories turned out to be true. I'm talking about all the irrefutable, well documented crap that happened. Nearly half a year has passed since then, and exactly NONE of those issues has been addressed in any serious way. The questions linger like the stink of death, and yet most people have moved on, opting to go about their lives as though none of that shit ever happened. In the space provided by that unblinking official silence, is it any wonder that strange murmurs have arisen to fill the void? Recently, our old pal Jeff Wells of Rigorous Intuition infamy dug up some fascinating dirt on a truly creepy character by the name of Finis Shelnutt. This para-political Renaissance man -- balls deep in everything from Iran-Contra to Gennifer Flowers -- was part of the Katrina saga from the beginning, lying to Bill O'Reilly about New Orleans' descent into Satanic anarchy. He was there at the end, too, publicly gloating at the fortuitous disappearance of all those pesky Blacks and poor people. This guy likely spent the 80's running cocaine for the Bush crime syndicate, and now he's been given a high visibility soapbox in the mainstream media to push quasi-eliminationist, Far Right talking points. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not. Then there's the fascinating Captain's Blog, a wonkish, details-oriented website devoted to exploring the contention that last year's monster storms were anything but Acts of God. The Captain's speculations take on an added frisson of verisimilitude in light of recent reports that the hurricanes in question failed to conform to norms in more ways than one. So there you have it: more questions that will likely remain unanswered forever, giving good and honest people all the more reason to give up on asking questions altogether. At this point, I don't think it will matter much if I throw another one onto the pile: If Katrina really was the result of weather control, and the goal really was to force "undesirables" to relocate, can it really be a coincidence that the area being ethnically cleansed represents a de facto coastal bridge between Texas and Florida, both of which are conspiracy theory "ground zeros", and both of which have had the misfortune of being Bush family stomping grounds for the last half century? Maybe. Maybe not. *** **** *** MINUTIA AND INCONSEQUENTIA Sad news in the world of immortal teen-agers. Someone has apparently removed the drape from the self-portrait Dick Clark has been hiding in his attic for all these years. Kinda makes yer old pal Jerky glad he decided to skip the 2006 edition of New Year's Rockin' Eve. Speaking of rockin' teen combos, click here to watch the Top 50 Music Videos of 2005, as chosen by a collection of hipster doofuses... or is that doofi? I was never able to figure that one out. In a new report, a team of scientists claims that global warming and pollution are contributing to the rapid extinction of the world's frog population. Of course, your garden variety right-wing knuckle-draggers couldn't care less about this. They've always had it in for the French. During his confirmation hearing yesterday, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito was asked the one question yer old pal Jerky is really interested in at this point, and frankly, I didn't much care for his "answer". Speaking of Scalito, did you happen to catch his sofa-bed of a wife turning on the waterworks after yesterday's round of questioning by Senate Democrats? I mean, I know it sucks to watch the man you love being exposed as a liar, but gimme a fucking break. This guy is a full-blooded racist who believes cops have the right to strip-search 10-year-old girls at will, warrants be damned. Save your tears for the future Alito will help to shape once he's confirmed, which is an all but foregone conclusion. You're gonna need 'em. California governor and incurable scofflaw Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't have a licence to operate the motorcyle he was riding when he crashed into a car this week, opening a wound in his face that required fifteen stitches to close. But even though he'd clearly endangered the life of his 12-year-old son, who was riding along in a sidecar, police have decided not to press charges. If yer old pal Jerky was in their shoes, I wouldn't charge him, either. Like the old saying goes: "It is better to let a guilty man go free than to get a buzzsaw blade frisbee'd into your brainpan by a son-of-a-Nazi experiencing a 'roid rage flashback. Is it me, or -- judging by the steady stream of loving homages -- is Stanley Kubrick's horror masterpiece The Shining more popular than ever these days? Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 11 Happy 100th birthday to Swiss scientist Albert Hoffman, accidental inventor of the hallucinogenic brain-candy the world has come to know and love as LSD! The first lottery in recorded history began in England on this day in 1569, going straight through, non-stop, until May 6 of the same year. Participating in the numbers game would have set you back 10 shillings, and the Church ran the entire operation from top to bottom. Proceeds from the lottery allegedly went towards good works, such as refurbishing the docks and paying off all those sexual abuse settlements. On this day in 1759, the first American life insurance company is incorporated. The thing that has always confused yer old pal Jerky about life insurance is that it only pays out when you die. So why don't they call it death insurance? Thank you! I'll be here all week! Try the veal! On this day in 1908, the United States government creates the Grand Canyon National Monument. The next day, using all the dirt and rocks and stuff left over from the dig, they create the Rocky Mountains. The reason they could do thing so fast back then is because there weren't any unions or child labor laws to slow things down.

THEY SAID IT! "They fired into the bedroom where we were sleeping, then three soldiers came in. They rolled me on to the floor and tied my hands. When I tried to ask them what they were looking for they just told me to shut up." - A violent raid on an award-winning journalist's home, scant hours after authorities were informed that he was investigating the disappearance of millions in Iraqi funds being held by coalition forces? Surely it was just an unfortunate misunderstanding. *** **** *** "Your conservative movement is a light and an inspiration to people in this country and across the world." - So I'm checking out a bit of Canadian news, and I see that a) they're having an election in two weeks, and b) it's looking like the right-wing Conservative Party might win. I have a message for all my Canadian readers: Any party whose leader gives secret, no-media-allowed speeches to the sinister likes of the National Citizens' Coalition, in which he says things as incredibly stupid as the above quote, cannot be allowed to take control of your government. Especially when that leader looks like this.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Studebaker Hawk! Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?" The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there." The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know -- she might say yes." The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how fucking likely is THAT to happen?!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Advanced Materials for sending in today's second joke. A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with massive breasts was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. so she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch.'" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Trembly Dale. Q: Why did the backstreet abortionist go out of business? A: Because his ferret died.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: TEN THINGS A MAN SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT care of: Ricky-O 1. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?" 2. "Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off." 3. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread." 4. "Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?" 5. "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?" 6. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked." 7. "Whoa, time out. Football is on." 8. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!" 9. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?" 10. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded." - Ricky-O [How about: "Go fuck yourself, mommy!"? - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Dear Jerky, Happy new year, and after reading that your inbox was empty I promptly decided to fill it with utter nonsense. I WAS going to send you a long winded email regarding the asteroid threat, the future of genetics and a quirky remark regarding the Mad Doctor & ACD's catfight, but I figured i couldnt be half arsed. So instead i send you a little bit of google trivia. Type "French Military Victories" in the search bar and hit "im feeling lucky"! Enjoy and remember: Jerky keeps the DIRT in the daily dirt! Poli [Looks like you've been punk'd. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerks, once again you' ve managed to trounce my fragile ego. Me fuckin' that Uglitron gal would be like a chap-stick rattlin' around in a baggie. C'est la Vie. YOPLarry [That's why God gave us fists, assholes and barbwire. - Jerky] *** **** *** Re: your lack of e-mails. That's what you get for performing sit-down comedy/comentary. You can't see us. I could be laughing my ass off right now, and you wouldn't know it. And I could be laughing because what you wrote was funny or because YOU'RE funny, if you get my drift. But just so's you know, I AM laughing. Indiana Kevin [Thanks, mang. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, Saddam Hussein has hired the famous Muslim lawyer Sosumi al Reddy. Aram [You should take that act on the road. - Jerky] *** **** *** Yo Jerky, Albert V. wanted you to write about Art Bell's wife. I guess he forgot you included Mr. Bell in your list of the 100 hundred fuckers who suck - or whatever the hell you called it. By the way Jerky, when the fuck are you going to finish that list? One last thing. What is your opinion on Steve Quayle, is he legit? Thanks Jerks, Billbudd [I'll get back to the Top 100 Jerkrags list sometime this month. Who the fuck is Steve Quayle? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, On January 8, you declared the Battle of New Orleans the most decisive battle of the War of 1812. I guess it depends on where you live. In my part of the world, the Battle of Stoney Creek had much more of an impact. The US invasion of Canada ended in Stoney Creek in a rout, by a much smaller force, made up of British soldiers and militia (Mohawk Indians). They came... they saw... and they got their asses handed to them. Since I live in Hamilton, this battle means a lot. After all... if not for the Battle of Stoney Creek... I'd be an American now... 'shudder.' Tuscarora [You forgot the part about how you burned down the White House. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; This is a long essay but an interesting one. Explains a lot of things that most people have no clue about. Dave *** **** *** Jerky... I don't know shit about mining but I do know a little about emergency safety equipment. i.e. Scott Air Packs, used by most law enforcement, fire departements, etcetera. It sounds as though these miners had Scott Air Packs. These devices have full face masks and pint sized oxygen tanks. The tanks are good for about an hour under heavy exertion and probably two hours of normal breathing. The tanks are not light but you could wear a Scott Pack and tuck a couple tanks and walk anywhere with three tanks. The mine was only two miles deep. Wouldn't it have made sense for one or two miners to try and walk out to the entrance to get some help? Or for two or three rescue workers to try and walk IN and see if the tunnel was obstructed? And why were there no communication equipment available anywhere inside of these mines? Why wasn't there an emergency phone of some sort every hundred feet? This whole thing sure sounds fishy to me. It sounds as though everyone was paralyzed. Cheers, Andy [Shades of Columbine. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com