YANK YOUR WAY TO WELLNESS! Great news for the average Daily Dirt reader! An Australian study [why is it always an Australian study? - Jerky] has discovered that "frequent masturbation" may help prevent prostate cancer in men, which only makes sense, considering the fact that women don't even have prostates. But I digress. The study, led by Professor Graham Giles of the Cancer Council Victoria, surveyed over 2000 men and found that those who ejaculated more than five times a week were over thirty percent less likely to develop prostate cancer. So, if his calculations are correct, that means it would be a mathematical impossibility for yer old pal Jerky to develop prostate cancer. Whew! Here's why, according to the professor: "Semen is a very potent and strong brew of lots of chemicals which, because of their biological reactivity, could be carcinogenic if left to lie around. What we found was men who ejaculated most in their twenties, thirties and forties had about a third less prostate cancer risk than men in the lowest category of ejaculation." Use it or lose it! Sounds like a variation on a pretty basic theme… but if getting off is the key, why single out solo sex for kudos? Wouldn't good old-fashioned fucking be just as effective a tonic against the world's worst six-letter word? Because of the increased risk of sexually transmitted diseases, various infections and even injury (!!!) - all of which increase the chance of developing cancer - the answer is a resounding "NOOO!!!" Only the five-fingered-fandango will do, which leads to a number of intriguing implications, not the least of which is the unavoidable conclusion that Pamela Anderson has saved more lives than Superman, Spiderman and the Green Lantern, combined. And speaking of asking people how often they squeeze their lemons, a sex survey recently performed at the University of Maine has shown that, when it comes to sex surveys, the "weaker sex" are - surprise, surprise - a bunch of fucking LIARS!!! Here's how these diligent researchers managed to figure out what the rest of us knew simply because it's so fucking obvious that it almost seems like a waste of time and money to set out to prove it… A group of men and women were asked to answer questions about their sex lives under three different sets of conditions. The first group were left alone in a room and told their answers would be completely anonymous. The second group were told that a researcher was watching them, and would be able to "match the face to the form." The third group were wired up to a (fake) lie detector. The results were, to say the least, just what you'd expect. The women who thought they might be identified reported having fucked roughly half as many men as the women in the "anonymous" group, who themselves claimed nearly 25% fewer sex partners than those who were wired for truth. Among the men in this study, there was no statistically important variation from one group to the next. Terri Fisher, one of the researchers, tried to cover for her fellow females: "Women are so sensitive about being labeled sluts or whores that they are very reluctant to be honest about their sexual behavior, even in supposedly anonymous surveys. You would assume that when a heterosexual man has sex, a woman is having sex at the same time, but the statistics always suggest otherwise. That can't be true. We thought males would be over-inflating their experience while females under-report it, but that's not what we found." Of course, that's just a lot of fancy-talk and balderdash to avoid stating the politically incorrect yet oh so obvious TRUTH of the matter, which is that women are biologically constructed so as to be constitutionally incapable of honesty. It's an evolutionary trait they have developed as a defense against male immaturity, which sometimes makes telling them the truth a risky proposition. And so ends your bright blast of Daily Dirt sunshine for today! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 17 On this day in 1955, animation industry titan Walt Disney's ambitions for total world domination take a big step forward when he first flings opens the doors to Disneyland, his fully-realized, 160-acre model of the utopian ideal to which he believes all of mankind should aspire. Today, 47 years later, on the American continent alone, Disney's combined Florida and California properties span an impressive 70 square miles, dwarfing the Vatican in both surface area and cultural influence. Can a request for U.N. recognition of statehood be far behind? HAPPY REVOLUTION DAY to all our... um... DAMN! The Daily Dirt officially has a grand total of ZERO READERS in the nation of Iraq! What's up with that shit?! On this day in the year 1967, planet Earth passes through some kind of radioactive space cloud that mangles the fabric of space and time, causing everybody to go slightly bonkers. Milk goes sour in the bottle, toads rain down from the sky, and, perhaps worst of all, guitar legend Jimi Hendrix plays a concert where he opens for… The fucking MONKEYS!

THEY SAID IT! "While it is important to trash the governor, it should be done in the context of regret, sadness and balance." - Excerpt from a recently revealed secret memo authored by Virginia-based Republican consultant Frank Luntz, who is assisting millionaire state congressman Darrell Issa - a car-stealing thug - in his attempts to "recall" duly elected California governor Gray Davis over a budget crisis that was precipitated by the previous, Republican administration's disastrous energy privatization scam, and exacerbated by conniving Texas energy companies who were screwing California on behalf of their cronies, the Republican junta that seized control of the White House in a bloodless coup in 2000. These people are chutzpah personified. *** *** *** "We liberated Iraq. Now the people here don't want us here, and guess what? We don't want to be here either. So why are we still here? Why don't they bring us home?" - Pfc. Jason Ring sends a message home from the searing desert front. Pentagon retaliation will no doubt be swift.

JOKES! Today's first jokes were sent in by our old pal Dewcross... A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Russ Beer for sending in today's second joke. This newly married couple walk into a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. "Do you you have reservations" inquires the manager. "Only one..." says the groom. "She won't take it up the arse!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Damn you, Cark Beck, for sending in today's shitty joke. Q: Why don't gangsters listen to country music? A: Because they think a hoedown is one of their girlfriends getting shot!

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky, If I am correct, I believe it says that you can not copy for the strict puroses of making a profit at the beginning of movies and tv shows. They didn't mean you cant copy it. You can't copy it with the intent of making money off of it. So I believe as the current law stands the only people that are actually at an illegal stand point is Kazaa or any other shareware company on the intent of making money. We share things without making money are legally doing nothing wrong in the intent in accordance to the current law. However here is a claim where laws should change with time. so all those big wigs who think that the constitution should not change with the current times are full of shit, because im sure when the law came out it did not consider sharing on this level. I still think its stealing. But it is not piracy. I do it, and as an artist I have conflict with doing it. but thats the wrold we live in. we are all hypocrits one way or the other. What do you think? Signed: Shane I think you're right. *** **** *** Hey Jerky; How about this as a universal prayer? "Prayer is the conscious act of voicing our thoughts with intent. From prayer, we do many great things. Best of all, it allows us to communicate with a part of ourselves. To participate in this private dialog with Higher consciousness is a gift. It is within all of us to tap into. It matters little where, when or even how one prays. The importance is in the gesture of freedom it allows. It gives a way for all our inner most thoughts to find peace. It is the energy that is put into practice that reveals results. God, Goddess, Spirit, The All that Is... it is all the same. We are all living on the same planet and it isn't an accident. So, By All Means, say a few words to yourself about what's important to you." I swiped it long ago from some Unitarian website. Anyway, keep up the good work. Signed: Wobs So, basically, you're telling me Unitarianism is to organized religion as "near beer" is to alcohol. *** **** *** Hey Jerky! Regarding this week's poll (healing one celebrity), out of your choices, I chose Richard Pryor, arguably the funniest man who ever lived. However, my first choice would be Muhammed Ali. It saddens me every time I see him and remember the cocky, loud-mouthed, insanely talented uber-athlete he once was. It's going to be a sad, sad day when the world loses this true American icon. Signed: P. Abernathy To paraphrase the champ himself: He was the greatest.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: SICK FROM ALL THE SPINNING... Care of: Jack Frost Jerky; So it turns out that the information Bush used to try and scare Americans into believing that Iraq had a nuclear weapons program is complete bullshit. Granted, they've admitted the information was false, but still contend they were 'correct' in the sense that Saddam was trying to get nuclear materials from somewhere in Africa at some point. And so they were only off the mark by a little, they're sorry, case closed, let's move on... My problem with this is that they're treating this as if it were an isolated incident. As if it were some little gaffe in the otherwise perfect endeavor known as the War on Iraq. But actually, this is yet another straw on the pile of suspicious shit the Bushies are up to: - The entire war itself which was begun without the approval of the UN and was protested around the world; - The questionable 'evidence' regarding Iraq's stockpiles of WMDs and their 45-minute readiness presented to make a case that Iraq was a threat; - When the evidence is questioned, America says 'we got it from Britain' and Britain says 'we got it from America'; - The fact that none of these WMDs have turned up at all; - The reason for the war shifts from WMDs to regime change to the liberation of Iraqi people depending on who is asked and when; - What started out as a 'swift and decisive' war has turned into a slow and protracted occupation, the end of which cannot be determined - even by those in charge; - The president claimed 'Mission Accomplished' yet the war is still continuing according to those still in Iraq; - Saddam is still at large (not to mention Osama bin Laden); - Rumsfeld appears unconcerned as at least one soldier per day dies as Iraqis become less and less enamored with America's coming-to-visit-and-deciding-to-stay policy with their country. I'm sure there's some things I've forgotten, but I think you can see my point. This is more than just 16 words that shouldn't have been included in the State of the Union Address (not to mention that it seems many of the Bushies knew the info was bogus before the State of the Union Address, which is another story). This is another part of a larger pattern of deception that needs to be exposed and investigated as a whole as soon as possible. - Jack [Excellent analysis, Jack. Did you happen to notice how a lot of the crap that's starting to come to a head in the mainstream media -- the bogus intel excuses, the rampant official disinfo, the blatant and shameless hypocrisy, and, most importantly (to my mind, anyway), the unseemly connections between the as-yet-largely-uninvestigated scandals that have defined this criminal administration from the get-go -- were reported here, in the Daily Dirt, months, and sometimes, even YEARS ago? Fringe media elements such as Rense, Bushwatch, Buzzflash, Mike Malloy and yes, even the Daily Dirt, have been harping on the implications of stories that get reported on page 13, then immediately drop from sight. That connections obvious to us amateurs are only now being made by the pros tells you everything you need to know about the degraded, compromised quality of the mainstream media in the USA. By the way, be sure to hit that first link up and check it out. It discusses the recent little-discussed revelation that some of Dick Cheney's clandestine energy meeting papers (remember? from pre-911 days?) have been uncovered, showing how Iraq was supposed to be divvied up between Enron (Ha!) and other select Republican bankrollers, after the war they've been planning since 1997 was over and done with, of course. So you see, your paranoia is not unfounded, dear reader. In fact, our worst suspicions are being confirmed on an almost daily basis. The only questions left to answer now are: 1. "How does America go about ridding itself of these monstrous conspirators in as peaceful and legal a manner as possible?" and 2. "To what lengths will this criminal administration go - and to what depths are they willing to stoop - to prevent their removal from power?" - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com