EAT MY LOSEYNES! We've all heard the jokes. A few pub staples notwithstanding, the British can't cook worth a spit. They boil meat. They deep fry pizza. When you're done eating a full English breakfast, the plate looks like the Alaskan coastline did after its legendary altercation with the Exxon Valdez. Greasy. Oily. Heavy. Ponderous. Some stereotypes happen to be true, and it happens to be true that British people cook, eat and serve food that can fairly be described as "dirgelike." Italy, on the other hand, has a sterling reputation as one of Europe's proudest culinary standard-bearers. Long before Columbus first brought tomatoes back from the New World, Italy was cooking up a storm, and one of their most popular "storms" has always been the lasagna, an age-old, signature national dish. But not so fast, there, Luigi! Some researchers in England claim to have found the oldest recipe for lasagna on record, and - horror of horrors! - it's a British creation. Found in the 14th century cookbook entitled "The Forme of Cury" (which has nothing to do with Vindaloo) the recipe for a dish called "Loseyns" starts out as follows: "Take flour of paynedemayn and make erof past with water and make erof thynne foyles as paper with a roller; drye it harde and see it in broth." It goes on to suggest you put grated cheese between the "thynne foyles" and spice the whole thing up with some cinnamon. Yummy! In a related story, the same researchers have discovered that British chefs were also responsible for creating the famous French dish known as Beef Bourguignon, only instead of red wine and brisket, the English version - listed in the book as "Geyrth Bugeddy" - consists of hog snouts marinated in a rancid broth of fish scales and boggy peat moss. Ingenious, those Brits! But all this talk of "haute cuisine" has made yer old pal Jerky hungry. Hmmm… what to eat? There are so many choices in this modern-day, multi-cultural world in which we live! I could stuff my big fat face with West Indian roti, East Indian Korma, Italian lasagna (sorry England), Vietnamese vermicelli soup, or Ethiopian raw beef with cold sponge-bread… or not. Hey, I know! I could hop a flight up to Boston for a steaming plate of Bushmeat (monkey) simmering in a hearty Ebola gravy, with an order of Monkey Pox on the side! If you think yer old pal Jerky is fucking with you, then you probably haven't read about the 300 lbs of illegal, disease-riddled monkey-meat confiscated at Logan airport this week. The haul, which was destined for a catering company that planned on serving it up during a traditional African wedding later this month, is apparently only the tip of the "disgusting delicacy" iceberg. Dealing in bats, rats, snakes, rare birds and hoary beasts of all kinds, the black market in "exotic" meats has been on a steep upswing, lately. Coincidentally, so has the incidence of bizarre, exotic diseases infecting people on our formerly untouchable shores! Coinkeedink? Or are those durty forrinners dooming us by indulging their "weird" tooth? YOU be the judge! But before yer old pal Jerky goes ahead and lets you "be the judge," let's do one more cooking story, you know… to make it a hat-trick! This story is dateline: Malaysia! where a thirty-four year old "former" drug addict recently popped a few "hallucinatory pills," then gouged out his own genitals, fried 'em up with some onions and ginger, then ate 'em all up! Gives new meaning to the phrase "blood sausage," don't it? Which, of course, brings us back full circle to the questionable quality of British cuisine. *** **** *** Just because today's main course is looking sort of paltry, yer old pal Jerky decided to whip up an extra-super-bonus Top Ten List, just for your amuse-i-tainment! Who else loves you like Jerky loves you? Who else does you like Jerky does you?! Who works harder for you than yer old pal Jerky does?! Huh?!?! NOBODY!!! That's who!!! And so, without further ado, here is a list of the… TOP TEN SONGS for NARCISSISTS! 11. "All you Need is Me" by The Meatles (from their debut album, "Beat the Meatles") 10. "Ode to Me" by the Lovely Ludwig Van 9. "Happy Together (Because I'm There)" by the Turtling Turds 8. "Loving Me Is Easy (Cuz I'm Beautiful)" by MeMe Ripperton 7. "Every Breath I Take (You'll be Watching Me)" by The Police State 6. "I'm So Vain (I Probably Think this Song is About Me)" by that Chick with the Great Big Mouth 5. "You Oughta Know (That I Am Awesome)" by Atlantis Morningsick 4. "Me, Myself and I" by the Mirrortones 3. "I Love Me (I Honestly Love Me)" by Olivia Elton John Travolta 2. "Knowing Me, Knowing Me (Ah-ha!)" By ABBA (Arrogant, Boastful, Bloviating Assholes) 1. Any "song" released by any hip-hop "artist" during the last eight years. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 16 On this day in 1990, in a bid to unseat NBC's Johnny Carson as the undisputed king of late night TV, ABC launches a talk show hosted by radio "personality" Rick Dees - his biggest prior claim to fame being the 70s novelty hit Disco Duck - called Into the Night. It promptly goes "into the toilet." Happy La Paz Day to the Daily Dirt's two remaining Bolivian readers! Ai-Ai! Ree-bah! On this day in the year 1951, a former member of the CIA’s psychiatry division unleashes on an unwitting public one of the greatest hypnotic trigger mechanisms ever created. That man is J.D. Salinger. The mechanism is his novel, The Catcher in the Rye, which was a favorite of at least two crazed "lone" gunmen: Sirhan Sirhan (who murdered Bobby Kennedy) and Mark David Chapman (who murdered John Lennon).

THEY SAID IT! "Now that I'm older but child-sized, I'm very concerned with protecting myself. If I know that I have everything prepared for when I get raped and killed, then I can go to sleep." - Alterna-goth fave Christina Ricci on her irrational fear of "hulking" rapists, swimming pools and houseplants, in an interview with British Esquire. *** *** *** "Maybe in my next life, I'll have a better life. That's why I'm just looking forward to go to the other world. I'm a nigger. I'm a big strong nigger that knocks out people and rapes people and rips off people and bullies people." - Former heavyweight champion Iron Mike Tyson waxes philosophic on Fox Sports Net's interview program, Beyond The Glory. Trust yer old pal Jerky when he tells you they'll be talking about this in Cultural Studies classes (the professors for which are called, you guessed it, "cult studs") for decades to come.

JOKES! Today's first jokes were sent in by our old pal Dewcross... Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lifestyles: The one guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE.... ya know... Young, Urban Professional." The second guy says, "I'm a DINK... ya know... Double Income, No Kids." They asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied: "I'm a WIFE... ya know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Chris Walken for sending in today's second joke. Q: Name a wood that doesn't float. A: Natalie Wood! WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's shittiest jokes were sent in by Billy Pruett. Q: What were Jesus' last words on the cross? A: This is a fucked-up way to spend Easter Vacation. Q: What were the last words the centurion spoke to Jesus at the crucifixion? A: Would you mind crossing your legs? I've only got three nails.

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; Just wanted to let you know that Kuala Lampur is in Malaysia and as far as I know there is no school prayer in the public schools here in Indonesia but if there is or will be, it would probably look almost just like your totally groovy prayer in the last Dirt. Cheers, Xpat Dear Xpat; I was just testing you! Yeah, that's it! And guess what? You passed the test! Congrats!!! *** **** *** Jerky, I am no Geogragenius, but last I heard, Kuala Lumpur was the capital of Malaysia, not Indonesia. The capital of Indonesia is Jakarta. Both are Moslem countries, so the commentary works on either one, but the common prayer in this case would be for politically (er, religiously) correct Malaysians. Signed: Mark Dear Mark; You are free to believe what you want, but then again, so am I. You're entitled to your opinion, and I'm entitled to mine, and seeing as we live in a democracy, my opinion is just as valid as your opinion. So choke on that, Fuck-ass! *** **** *** Jerky you dickwick, Kuala Lumpur is in Malaysia not Indonesia and I know that a gazillion of us will write in to tell you so... to which you will say WHO CARES..I don't...I just thought I'd be one of many to tell you. ha ha... Signed: Zasu Dear Zasu; Fuck you. *** **** *** Hey MOPJ For fuck sake since when has the Indonesian Eduacation Ministry been based in Kuala Lumpur hte capital of that Muslim nirvana Malaysia? Signed: YOP Pierre Who gives a bloody shit?! Both nations in question are steaming disease-ridden snake-infested rat-trap Third World Hell-holes where mothers willingly sell their newborn babies to rich Japanese businessmen looking for a warm body to store their newly cloned organs in, anyway. So BACKTHEFUCKOFF, maaan. *** **** *** Hi there you Fat Fuck! Kuala Lumpur is in Malaysia, not Indonesia! Get your facts right, you dumb fuck!! Signed: Zain If there is not an orchestrated effort among some Daily Dirt readers to discredit yer old pal Jerky concerning this whole "Kuala Lumpur" incident, there might as well be. Partisan attacks directed at yours truly are to be expected in the over-heated climate this political season, but I firmly believe there was no intent on my part to deceive or mislead, and that I did not materially rely on the allegation in my decision to attack Iraq. I also believe the deliberate effort to paint me as a deceiver will damage our nation far more than those who are attacking me might suspect. Those responsible for charging me with deceit, and those repeating these charges endlessly in the media, must know that the next time I accuse another rogue nation of engaging in a program to produce WMDs, many might think the information has been "hyped." Perhaps those responsible for such a diminution in my credibility - and in the credibility of our intelligence agencies - will delight in the whirlwind of apocalyptic devastation to which their partisan political aspirations will undoubtedly lead. Fuckers. *** **** *** Greetings Jerky, Normally would let things slide but since i am part Malaysian i HAVE to point out that Kuala Lumpur is in MALAYSIA, and not Indonesia as you stated in your 'Common Prayer' article. Since you are seeking to educate, and lots of people hang on your every word, i thought i would help out. Keep up the general good work though. Signed: YOP Tigarr Dear Tigarr; Thanks for the head's up. That'll teach me to rely on my memory and that of the three people I asked before going ahead and publishing that mistake. I'll be more careful in future.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: LIES, LIES, LIES!!! Care of: J.C. Rich Jerky, I have discovered a way to resolve the WOMD thing. I think we may have misheard the whole "Weapons Of Mass Destruction" comment. I now believe the statement could have been "Weapons of Mass Distraction" which is exactly what 9-11 and the whole Iraq Campaign have been exposed as being. It is sad that an American "President" would stoop to using the mourning of a nation to cover his own ass and the respective asses of his cronies. Who can watch as Dubya petitions and later extorts support for "Exemption from war crimes and liability", without just a smidgen of suspicion he has a Hell of a lot more up his sleeve. What correctly behaving Administration would NEED those types of exemptions?! As for Saddam? He's probably hiding in a classroom in Florida. Hey! It worked for Dubya! I am becoming less pissed off at Dubya for his crimes as I am for watching the country as a whole tolerate his regime. Funny how he manipulated the Congress into giving the sole right to declare war to the President, so he, who is not "President" could start this mess. Oh man, We the Sheeple. Fuck Bush and the Harris he rode in on! - J.C. Rich [No argument here. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com